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I used to have such grand things to say about life and experiences, about what was happening in the world, and how it changed me. Unfortunatley, my perspective has taken a blow this past semester as my attention was isolated to the dredgery of school work and struggling to maintain my average. I am nowhere near perfect, but for a perfectionist, the closer to perfect, the more easily I sleep at night.
I spend so many nights sitting up, pondering about life and death, about family and friends, and where the world melts into dreamland, where reality is inseparable from fantasy through no fault of our own. I worry about my brother going off to college in a completely different timezone, where he will remain for two entire years, so far from my protection. Don't get me wrong, I'm not overprotective of my brother, and I myself studied in England for five months, but it's such a strange thing to be separated from the person who has seen so many of the same experiences I have. When I weed through my life and friends, no one has a better understanding of why I am the way I am than my little brother. He has been ther when I was crying, told off whoever made me cry, and he's been there to fight with me, even punch me. Slap fights are the things of legend, and trust exists there. It's nice to be trusted.
Then there is the contrasting story of my stepsister, whom I hardly know. I know my stepbrother well enough to enjoy his company. We can make each other laugh, and are able to talk on a similar level, if not the same one. Though he has his problems, and I worry about his behaviours considering his heart condition, we are friendly. My stepsister and I seem to exist at opposite ends of the world. I've always wanted a sister, but we have never meshed well. We did for a moment, five years ago, prior to our parents marrying, I felt like we could really be sisters, and that I could be there for her, and have someone to share with. You see, I spent my whole life dreaming of having a sister, and now that I do, I know next to nothing about her.
Circumstances didn't fall in our favour. She lives primarily with her mother, and I was only in my mother's house for two years before I moved in with my father to go to college. So, we've never really been exposed to each other for long periods of time. It breaks my heart, because I want nothing more than to be close to her, to be someone she can talk to, but I don't want to force myself on her. You can't force someone to accept you, especially as something so deep and complicated as a sister.
The days are complicated, and the nights are filled with reflection. We spend so much of our time asleep, and yet I seem to live the opposite life. Like the animals in one of my children's stories I grew up reading, I long to stay awake, to not miss a moment. I fear sleeping because I don't like the idea of not knowing what is happening around me. Sleep should feel comfy and secure, and it frightens me. Every night before going to bed, I check my room to make sure no serial killers are waiting for me to fall asleep so they can slit my throat. Realistically, someone could shoot me through my window, or break into the house, then kill me, but it makes me feel a little safer to check the room...
My thoughts are jumbled tonight, but I felt the need to get them out through writing.
Perhaps I spend too much time thinking, and not enough time doing what needs to be done, but the hours seem to fly by, and my energy has been so low over this break. I have gotten through maybe half of what I had hoped to accomplish by this point due to exhaustion and ailness. Yesterday was the first day since Christmas that I felt like myself again, that I felt like I could handle the day, and go outside, and run errands and not collapse...
The real world is waiting for me. My mother never sheltered me. I always knew when money was tight, when things weren't going well, when we had to stick together. I've known the value of money since I was 7 years old when my mother used a happy meal to teach me about the benefits of saving money for a big toy rather than waisting it on two small plastic toys. I've had jobs, but I've never been flung to the wolves. I've never been rich, having plenty of money to burn, but my parents have taken care of me, so I could focus on my schoolwork. Graduation looms, and my father is willing to keep me in the house while I chase my dreams for a little while, and I appreciate it, but I don't want to ever take advantage of his kindness. I loath asking him for money beyond what he himself has already decided should go to me. I've done it only a few times, for a few school trips, and for a gown I wore for my prom and a beauty pageant.
There is so much I could write about, about life lessons I have learned, about the world I have seen, and about how much I have changed in just the last year. About a year ago this time I was headed for England, and that experience has affected my life in so many ways. I will never forget the amazing people who touched my life, and all the lessons I learned. Being in England actually helped me learn to trust my boyfriend better, because he constantly proved himself true to me, and showered me with love. Sure, we fought, but we learned a lot about each other, and took care of each other, and it gives me the confidence to say yes when he proposes. God was with us during that whole experience, and I am so grateful, and I learned so much about what it meant to be a Christian in the face of adversity. (Had a rather nasty housemate who just hated Christians and Christianity)
Friends are so precious. I've spent my break attempting to catch up with old friends, to spend time with my friends, away from the craziness of school and the hustle and bustle of life, where we could just be silly and have fun. I love the way that these people open my eyes and help me to stay positive about life, who encourage me when things get tough, when I want to sit down and cry.
Life is not about a straight road and a static existence. It's about taking those hills and valleys, and walking through them, confident in the Lord, and in your path. If you refuse to change, you refuse to grow, and it's so annoying to have to change, because we like being cozy and safe in our comfort zones. Life is about taking that first timid step into the unknown, holding out your hand, trusting that someone will be there to lead you through the darkness, across the unfamiliar territory. Life is not about always having the answers. It's about indecision and problems, about joys and fear, hope and indifference, faith and pain... there is so much to see in life and to experience, and it's so easy to shut one's self off from all the amazing possibilites and chances out there.
We can't sit back, thinking that there is always a second chance. Just because there is a second chance doesn't mean that we shouldn't grasp onto the present one, that we shouldn't be ripped from our seats, where our imprints have been for far too long. It's time to get up, to step out, to try something new. Isolation isn't good for the heart, we weren't meant to be locked away in rooms, to be kept from the sunlight and the fresh air. Though I have been sick lately, I have treasured every moment I could breathe fresh air. I've been trapped inside because I've been too ill to go out, but I hope to spend some time outside this week, especially since the weather is about to improve.
Life after college is a mystery, and it's especially frightening since few of my friends are actually graduating with me. The rest have at least another semester of work ahead of them, and so, I'm stepping out, without a clue of what is ahead of me. My ambitions are grand, so much bigger than I am, but I am stepping out, hopeful that things will work out, that I will find myself someday standing at the end of my life, not regretting this decision, because I know I would regret it if I didn't at least try to take a step towards my dreams.
This is long, and involved, but I hope you don't mind. I just needed to spill a little tonight, to let out some of what has been kept inside of me for so long because I spend my nights processing my busy days. I hope to slow down a little this semester, and not rush so much. Having classes only two days of the week should help.
God bless and goodnight.
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AUTHOR OF THIS MESSAGE
Muffy
MESSAGE TIMESTAMP
06 january 2006, 07:07:42
AUTHOR'S IP LOGGED
70.160.86.170
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