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As I look back on my life, I'm not sure how well I ever "passed." I didn't have a diagnosis for decaeds, and certainly no one ever pegged me for autistic, mainly because I didn't fit the limited definition of autism in play at the time. So if "passing" means that I avoided the label of autism for decaeds, then yes, I was able to do it, and I reaped the benefits that a profoundly ableist society offers. But I wouldn't say I've ever fooled anyone that I'm "normal" or "typical" or whatever you want to call it. In fact, as I got into my late 20s, I began to find that my veneer of "having it all together" had begun to wear so thin that people actively became angry with me for having pretended to be normal when I unwittingly betrayed that I was not. At the time, I was beating the crap out of myself trying be someone else, and I couldn't understand why I didn't have enough willpower to be who I was "supposed" to be. Now it all makes sense, of course. Good thing I figured it out at 50. Much better late than never.Whatever passing I've done, I've done at great cost to my physical health, especially to my auditory system, which has always been atypical. At this point, all the compensatory mechanisms I've used all my life to get by with an undiagnosed auditory processing disorder are failing, very likely from decaeds of extreme overuse, and I'm in the process of applying for disability because I can no longer work.So, am I glad I was able to "pass" as well as I did? In some ways, yes. Without that ability, I wouldn't be where I am now, and where I am now, despite my disabilities, is better than what most people in the world will ever have. But it was a deal I struck with the devil, because I did it by nearly running my sensory processing system into the ground. At this point, I have no choice but be "out" about my disabilities. If I try to fake it anymore, I can't ask for the accomodations I need, and I can't put into place the adaptive strategies that allow me to be out in the world, doing the things that are necessary and meaningful to my life.
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(VISITOR) AUTHOR'S NAME
Astrid
MESSAGE TIMESTAMP
16 december 2014, 11:58:45
AUTHOR'S IP LOGGED
91.235.120.3
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